Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Because of Karma can I really continue to be called the Raw Food "Cowgirl"?

Frenchi and Karma Spring 2012
Two days ago I gave away my last horse.  Her name is Karma.

Oh, my husband (soon to be ex-husband) still has his two horses but I am no longer a "cowgirl".  To be honest, I haven't even rode in years, not since my Sierra passed away in 2009.  Oh, I jumped on Jack a few times bareback but only for a few minutes.  Jack is the 22 year old paint gelding that is in the photo with me on my header above.  However, to actually ride and have a connection with a horse, well, that's been a very long time for me.

Karma was the granddaughter and only living bloodline of my beloved Sierra.  Sierra's daughter, French Foxwood (Frenchi) died about a year ago now.  One minute she was healthy and the next she was gone due to an unknown stomach gas issue.  Luckily her first and only foal was four months old and weaned.

I had intended to keep Karma forever. With the divorce and upcoming move and change of life, well, I had no idea how or where I'd keep her.  I can't express how much my heart has broken because of this.  How much my heart has broken over the years because of my love of horses.
Sierra Rojo Fox and Ciscos Blue Junewood as yearlings

I remember the first time my heart was broken by a horse.  His name is Ciscos Blue Junewood.  We bought him the same day as Sierra.  They were so adorable together.  They stole a large part of my heart all those years ago.  There will always be a spot in there for both of them.  We sent Cisco to a well known roping trainer in Texas.  He was there on and off for a year or two.  The second time we sent him the trainer started taking Cisco to competitions and the bills started piling up.  We couldn't keep up with the training and the showing fees and we had to sell him.  I didn't want to.  I begged and cried not to.  I think for about a year after that I was still numb over losing him.  Sierra Rojo Fox was my lifeline that year.  It was just her and me after that.  Oh, we kept buying new young fillies to add to the broodmare line and we eventually purchased a new baby stallion we named Moose.  It was Sierra though that understood my heartbreak.  We were... Our relationship was nothing I'd ever experienced with a horse before.  I'd been around and loved horses all my life but Sierra was... Well, she WAS my heart.  After moving to East Texas she passed away after a several day fight against and unknown and uncontrollable issue with diarrhea.  I wasn't there when they put her to sleep because they said she was in so much pain she was throwing herself against the stall walls and that I shouldn't be there.  One of the biggest mistakes of my life was not being there for her.  I won't ever forgive myself for being such a chicken shit and allowing her last moments to be with strangers. 
The last photo of Sierra and you can see her pain...

After she passed away I tried so very hard to make a connection with her daughter, Frenchi.  That girl!  Wow, she did not enjoy the loving I tried to give her.  She was an incredibly independent and free spirited girl. I eventually connected, somewhat, with a pair of sisters named Bridget and Frosty.  But, like everything else in my life at that time, they too were not meant to be part of my life.  All the mares and foals were given away on my 44th birthday last year.  Every horse, other than Karma, the stallion (Karma's dad) Moose and the 22 year old paint gelding were gone by then end of the day, December 19, 2012.

I think it was around then that I gave up.  I didn't even attempt to be raw anymore.  Loosely vegetarian was about all I could muster after that.  Desserts, vegetarian Mexican food, pasta, bread, sugar, ice cream, chips, packaged dessert cakes were all shoveled down my throat in hopes to stop the incredible aching pain in my heart.  Nine months and THIRTY POUNDS heavier my heart still hurts just as bad, if not more. 

Divorcing a man you've loved and lived with for 12 years is tough.  Letting go of two sons because they are out of the nest and living their own lives, with little to do with me, is incredibly tough.  Living through bankruptcy and foreclosure is tough.  Moving to a new area that you hate is tough. Losing my entire "horsey family" has been... can I say catastrophic without sounding too pitiful? Most people will never understand but animal people will.  Animals love you No Matter What.  Thin or fat, in the money or poor, happy or sad, animals will always love you.  I wish more people were like that.  I wouldn't feel so alone these days...

Raw emotions are tough on people who aren't going through as much as I am right now.  Going back to raw in the middle of such heartache, well, although I'm not sure it's a great idea, I'm doing it anyway.  How much more can a girl hurt anyway? 
Picture of me with best smile I can muster

So, back to the blog.  Now that I'm horseless, can or should I still call myself and this blog the "Raw Cowgirl"?  I guess, since I haven't been raw for the past year, it's as much of a lie as not having horses anymore.  So maybe it's fine the way it is.  Or maybe the title should completely be changed.  I don't know anymore.

I do know that I want, almost need to do is to continue this blog. Blogging here keeps me in line and on raw foods.  It also gives me something positive to look forward to.  And it give me friends, even virtual friends are better than nothing right?  Any who knows, maybe I'll even start replying to comments.  Lol.  It's not that I didn't want to in the past, it's that I'm always so embarrassed for being so honest on here, you know?

What does everyone think?  Should I change the title?  If so, what should I call it?  Should I totally revamp the whole thing?  Should I leave it alone? Anyone out there have any suggestions? 

2 comments:

Salini said...

I know everything you are going through and more. I've been there. I remember having to sell my first ever brand new car just 3 months after getting it because my husband didn't keep up car or child support or anything payments. I lost everything. I may be hurting, but I'm the same gal who loved writing inside. I am the same person struggling to emerge from the cowshit.

So my vote is.....absolutely, unquestionably remain...the raw food cowgirl. Like all cowgirls who can no longer afford horses, you remain a cowgirl in your heart. It doesn't end when the horses are sold. It just transforms. I predict you will have another horse someday....you will rise above this pain, this loss and this transformation into the beautiful soul you obviously are, and will remain.....the raw food cowgirl. Your journey inspires us, so keep going. I'm trying to do it too. It helps to hear you go through this....blessings

Aleta said...

Awe! Thank you so much Salini <3 I appreciate your support so very, very much!

And.. I appreciate that after all this time of my not posting that you are still here. Craziness :) I like that in a person :)